By Furnt Eggblaff. Ph.D. (excerpted from Wormblower #1, Spring 1995)

Before reading WORMBLOWER, please take a few moments to perform this important exercise. While relaxing in a comfortable chair in a quiet room, close your eyes, breathe deeply and imagine the following:

1. Imagine you live on a planet crawling with a sad lice of bored mean idiots.

2. Pretend that you've been lied to since you were an infant.

3. Pretend that, at a very early age, you were forced into monolithic indoctrination machine called The Education System where you and all your friends underwent brainwashing, conditioning and were homogenized into virtual clones of one another.

4. Imagine that you're now sleepwalking through your life and you're just awake enough to have a vague sense of wanting to strike out at the indifferent society that has swallowed you whole, digested your brain and shit you out an empty husk.

5. Pretend that most of your life (your finite time on this planet) is spent drooling in front of the TV set, sleeping and going to workŠ over and over and over again.

6. Pretend that you work for greed-stupid morons.

7. Pretend that your "job" is actually just a series of mechanical routines orchestrated and watched-over by "Higher Ups" for the sole purpose of making the company and, thus themselves, more and more $$$.

8. Pretend that you actually know some people who work jobs they hate, come home to people they're tired of and eat food that has been genetically-altered, sprayed, polluted, injected, pasteurized, diluted, colored, processed, waxed and packaged by people with more concern for making themselves lots of $$$ than for the possible health hazards to the people that eat this stuff.

9. Pretend that an awful lot of the bored mean idiots on your planet think that if they acquire enough $$$, they won't be bored or mean anymore.

10. Pretend that most bored mean idiots would do just about anything for "enough" $$$ -- including selling you poisonous garbage in a pretty wrapper or even killing other human beings.

11. Pretend that - though you're definitely no bored mean idiot - you're stupider than you think.

Now, take a deep breath as you open your eyes and take stock in the sturdy, comforting knowledge that all you have just imagined is only make-believe. and that your life and the REAL WORLD bear no resemblance to any of it. Refreshed and invigorated with the realization that things are pretty darn good, enjoy now the snappy, vibrant, up-with-people good-times of WORMBLOWER brand magazine.